I’m starting this diary today, the April 4, 2014, and I have no idea how this is supposed to work. This is probably a dumb idea. I saw that a girl in my class who had a diary in her bag and I wanted to try it out. It’s the weekend, and I like to doodle, anyway…
Alright, diary. I won’t beat around the bush anymore. I already know that I fell in love with this girl in my class. It’s been a while already. She’s so mysterious, so special.
She’s a French student, people call her Nessie or Lochness, I don’t really know why, I’m pretty sure it’s not her real name … even Nessie is weird. I admit, it’s very special, mainly because it seems that she’s hermaphrodite … well… a futa. I’ve never seen in real life before! I want to know more about her … I really can’t imagine this girl with that, down there …, and she’s pretty cute.
There are assholes in the class who make fun of her. What a bunch of cunts. ** Not EVERYONE makes fun of her, but she stays alone in a corner and she doesn’t talk much. It hurts to see her like this. She must be sad.
If only I could approach her without looking like a weirdo or a pervert …
** PS: I used to laugh at her too. But not anymore
This is Nessie. She has blue eyes, she is blonde, neither tall nor small I think I exceed a little. Well, she has a kid’s hairstyle with pigtails and big blue elastics, but it’s not too bad for her. She is always crammed in the back of the room, and no one hears her when she speaks. I think she’s shyer than me.
She is not super hot either, but anyway, if a miracle, she was my girlfriend, or a friend perhaps, I would already be super happy;
I hope she doesn’t have a boyfriend.
Sorry for the lack of news.
I need a girlfriend, I’m so tired of feeling lonely …
I’ve always had terrible luck with girls. I’m fed up. They always end up dating assholes.
The other day I heard a bunch of them talking about a group of girls. They were saying stuff like “look at that ass”, “she’s fuckable”, and “I’d tap that.”. What a bunch of dicks. I’d never say something so disrespectful about a girl. I respect them and I know how to make them happy, listen to them, be kind and tender, but they don’t look at me, that’s the problem …
Dear diary, I’ll try not to talk about that every day. I don’t want to depress myself more by re-reading the previous days.
After Literature class a small group of sluts made fun of Nessie in front of the cafeteria. I understand why her nickname is “Lochness”. Fuck I’m such a shitty person, I didn’t even do anything, I was like an idiot watching this without saying anything. I mean … it’s not my fault, anyway … I’m ashamed though. I could have done SOMETHING. I’m a coward.
That said, she left without crying but her face was red like a tomato. She looks so lonely. She must be used to it. She looked good in the next class. Well, it’s not a reason. I have to catch myself. Whenever I see her or think about her I feel a pain in my chest. I want to help her so much.
No news from Nessie today. She may be sick or whatever. I hope it’s not because of the bastards from yesterday.
I thought about her for a while before falling asleep. Whenever I think about her I start to fantasize about her.
I never talked to her at all, but she’s getting more important to me.
Dear diary, I have good news and bad news today.
The good: I managed to sit next to her on the bus, I’m really happy. She smelled a kind of strawberry scent I think !! Damn I have to calm down.
In fact, I hope she did not find it too weird. I sat next to her while there was room everywhere. I made look like the guy busy with my cellphone. Shit, it was a chance to approach her but I didn’t even say anything … it’s done, it’s done.
I tried to contain myself … I was shaking a little. I don’t really know why. She was there, right next to me, and I pretended to read the news. She was leaning on the side, her head glued to the window, and looking outside. She didn’t turn her head when I sat down. She was so cute, she held her bag on her thighs, probably so that I wouldn’t notice anything. I don’t really care about what’s in between her legs. I wish I could tell her that.
Well, I tried my best to say something and then she finally got off the bus. All the while, I looked for a way to start the conversation, and each time, I didn’t do anything. I froze. I was stuck. I’m such an idiot, shit … I didn’t know what to say.
When she wanted to go down her eyes crossed mine and she said “sorry” and I freaked out. I was like a deer in headlights. I was shocked, it’s stupid, but I was so scared. This is the first time she’s ever spoken to me and looked at me with her deep blue eyes and beautiful face. I had never seen her so close to me. I can’t stop thinking about it.
Fuck. I lost my chance. What a loser. Well that was the bad news…
Today I had chills all day.
Nessie was here at school today. She’s always in the same place. But something in me made me feel like I knew her a little bit better and she was even more beautiful since yesterday … it was as if we had shared something together. I know it’s stupid but I can’t help it. I saw her in the corridors and I watched her for hours. She looked very fragile but seriously cute. I wonder what she thinks about, what she likes, what she writes in her diary, what she does in the evening …
And so I was looking for her gaze again, hoping she would notice me and remember the bus.
Nothing. Nothing at all.
Maybe she didn’t see me?
Maybe she thinks the same thing but she doesn’t show it?
Maybe she noticed that I was looking at her and she was tired of it?
I’m going to bed.
Well, it’s been several days, nothing has changed on her side. It’s hard to get her attention without going for a shot just with my stupid looks.
I had to go to the blackboard in front of the whole math class. I hate that! Everyone looks at you and they laugh sometimes. I felt my cheeks and my forehead warm up. And damn, I probably shouldn’t have but I dared to look into Nessie’s eyes.. It’s the second time, but this time, her eyes were empty, as if she was staring at the horizon. For her, I was just a normal student.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m going to talk to her tomorrow. I have to.
Yes !!! yes! Fuck yes! I’m shaking.
After lunchtime, I hesitated, hesitated, then I started. I said to myself “Shit, I’m 20 years old, I need to stop being stupid” and then I finally did it!
I had prepared to tell her about our math assignment next week … As I walked towards her, I felt a pain in my chest. I rushed towards the unknown. The closer I got to her, the more my topic of conversation seemed dumb…
She was sitting in the usual place with her diary. I had long wondered what she would write every day, all that secret stuff, and what she always hid discreetly with her left hand. But I know now! When I got there, I noticed that it wasn’t a diary at all, it’s a mini drawing book! She drew some sort of tribal and abstract tattoos but that doesn’t matter. Nessie draws like me! Damn that’s great. We have one thing in common, drawing!
On the other hand, my legs were stiff, and I remained planted like a moronic tree in front of her. I was shaking so much from how nervous I was. I wanted to give up but I could not do it again given the situation. She turned her head, embarrassed, looking nervously into my eyes for the 3rd time. I have no words strong enough to describe this feeling of unease. I’ve been watching Nessie and thinking of her for weeks. Nessie, I see her go by me every day. I often fantasize about talking to her and actually knowing her. She’s in my head, and in my dreams, she is a part of me but in this moment I understood something. I took reality in the face. At this moment, none of this is real. I am nothing. I am nobody to her.
She closed her notebook and started to slip her pencil into her bag, and before she went away I quickly stammered a “wait, wait, no, I-I saw that you drew … I also draw, a little ”, and while fixing her closed notebook, I asked her if it did not bother her that I take a look.
She opened the page of her current drawing. We quickly exchanged technical banalities and style, but I had nothing to show her on my side, except you, dear diary, but obviously, it was out of the question that she saw these pages of texts.
I can’t believe it, we talked together, both of us. It’s awesome. <3
And once we started talking it released the pressure. It was pretty cool. She’s super shy, she draws like me, better than me though, her lines are fine and clean. I heard her little French voice. I asked her if I could show her my drawings tomorrow. I feel so happy. She’s so cool. I hope she’ll love me. Maybe we could help each other, I don’t know, maybe it’s stupid. In any case, I’d like to have friends who draw like that with me, and we encourage each other, so why not? That would be great.
In the afternoon in the hall, I went back to look at her and hoped that she would look back. I could not help myself. She didn’t turn her head for a moment. I need to stop overthinking it. It doesn’t mean anything … I hope everything is okay.
I’ll draw something nice to show her tomorrow.
See you tomorrow, diary.
Hey everyone <3
A lot of lovely people asked me to make a text version of the video (This video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OswPDaKTFNY .), and I love it so much, so here it is!
Have a great day!